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Let’s take a break from the bad news and talk about butter cats

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Dear diary, I write once again huddled under the covers, on the verge of frozen delirium, this time suitably seasoned, so at least there’s that. I throw out an Airborne chew with every throat tickle and feverishly hope 2022 doesn’t find me. . .

I mean, enough already with this new year.

Bag Lady can think of no better reason for the next fleeting, sparkling 90 seconds to set aside omicron, power surges, quarantines, global and national tensions, fires, floods and inflation in favor of taking a deliberately laser-focused moment to squeeze in some joy.

The awful will always wait. For now, let’s relax, breathe, exhale.

Artwork by Metro Creative Services / Jason Rathbun

LET’S TALK BUTTER CATS

If you haven’t read the saga of Jorts the cat yet, let Bag Lady catch up with you.

The CliffsNotes version: Jorts is an office cat, in an unfamiliar office. He’s orange, sweet, and goofy as they come. Someone in said office, hoping to encourage Jorts to step up his tongue bathing game, started buttering him on the sly and *shock* it didn’t work and probably made his cat friend, Jean, sick. When the human caretaker in Jorts’ office shared all of this online in December, a Twitter account with 116,000 followers was born.

Jorts now dispenses wit, wisdom, and gentle encouragement in addition to boosting other accounts with official Jorts merch – that “merch” being shelter cats for adoption. It’s very awww.

Jean, her cat friend, is staunchly pro-union and you can tell she’s not as enamored with internet fame.

It’s very you-just-made-it-up but, I promise you, Bag Lady would never think of buttering a cat.

*FLASHBACK*

I jotted it down once in my college career and remember being so guilt-ridden. I mean, not as guilty as “Pam” probably felt exposed on the internet for producing an office pet, but maybe close. (Jorts’ human caretaker gave his colleague the alias “Pam” in the original saga posts. Pam was also trying to teach Jorts to open doors, like the smartypants Jean, to no avail. You know Pam right now telling her friends and family, no, no, that wasn’t me, even though they’re like, yeah, she would totally try to teach a cat a lesson.)

SPEAKING OF JOY

Things that go great with a bit of Land O’Lakes: Belgian waffles. Baked potatoes. Lobster.

And if you’re looking to recreate the movie-watching experience at home, the Country Kitchen Bakery Outlet on Locust Street in Lewiston sells jumbo bags of buttery popcorn for $5.99. It’s very yellow, so you know it’s good.

WHILE SETTING UP AND AVOIDING THE TIPPER FIRE

I’m watching the second season of Apple TV’s “Ted Lasso” again to ignite the joy, and I also can’t recommend Hulu’s “Only Murders in the Building” enough. Do you have a desire for “Survivor” between the new seasons? Paramount+ has three “Australian Survivor” streaming seasons now more intense than the US version, in a good way. Crikey.

The last time Bag Lady wrote about freezing was in the height of summer, when Mr. Bag Lady was turning up the air conditioning. At the time, we were in season 1 of “Love Island” in the UK.

Well, six months later and…we currently have a handful of Season 7 left.

Romance, bawdy innuendo, intrigue – it’s exactly like a ball of cheese as you’d suspect, but in these times it’s practically a public service when it comes to nighttime distraction.

DURING THIS TIME . . .

Dear Diary, please let the next 11 months thwart all predictions from hell and instead be filled with promise, hope and less grimaces. In other news, Bag Cat had her annual checkup and, unsurprisingly, was told she needed to lose weight.

I’m already reaching for the butter.

XOXO

Bag Lady’s true identity is protected by a pair of sleek, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who would eat anything that falls on the floor, butter included) and the Sun Journal’s customer service desk. You can reach her at [email protected]


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